The Atlanta Cycling Festival
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Category: “Atlanta-Traffic-Festival”

Announcing The Atlanta Traffic Festival (Formerly The Atlanta Cycling Festival)

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A very wise and fresh philosopher once said, “Unawareness Is The Only Sin, And If You Were Aware You Would Know.” - Jaden Smith

We at the ACF take inspirational quotes seriously. We’re constantly analyzing ourselves to make sure our lives/persecutions/attitudes align with Daily Inspirational Quotes.

During our last Chakra meeting, the topic of gas and cars came up. Always living the self-examined life and relating that to financial gain, we quickly did the math: gas is cheap. Really inexpensive these days. We’re talking cheaper than a month’s supply of “Drill, Baby, Drill!” bumper stickers.

Thus, being the completely rational and sentient beings that we are, we came to a team decision: with gas prices so low, it only made financial, cultural and spiritual sense to dump our bikes, hop to the pump and jump in our cars.

Despite articles here,  herehere, here, here, here and here about how Atlanta has the worst traffic and the increasing number of people clamoring for a remedy, we’ve realized that four wheels is, indeed, better than two. Remember the charity we showed one another upon the I-20 tundra during Snowpocalypse(s) 2014? Recall streets made supremely FUBAR by Freaknik! 

We’ve been on our bikes for so long, we forgot how truly enjoyable AND fulfilling it is to be ‘traffic” - stuck in it, held up by it and, frankly, be it.
Freedom Means Being In A Traffic Jam
Buckhead, Friday, 5:12pm. AKA - Freedom on 4 wheels.
And kudos to the Honorable J. Nathan Deal and the elected officials who have boldly chosen to turn up their collective noses at creating a comprehensive solution for effective transportation in Georgia. They know this sublime sprawl needs more roads. Roads will lead opportunity to Atlanta, just as they did to (the now defunct empire of) Rome. They have clearly embraced that for which we are known for - Traffic! Congestion! Bottlenecks! We don’t call this inaction, or “sticking your head in the sand” – we call it visionary. Straight up future-forward thinking.

We LOVE being in traffic: It allows us to text (maybe sext?), watch YouTube videos, do our makeup, shave, and generally rage against the Machine, as well as all our fellows’ machines, which they clearly are unable to drive so well as we.

Thus, we’re rebranding the Atlanta Cycling Festival to the Atlanta Traffic Festival.
The Atlanta Traffic Festival
Comrades, eschew two wheels for four, get back to your hatchbacks, and raise your fists/fingers/blood pressure to Glorious Gridlock, in all its majesty! Get in your car and join us in June, 2015!

What will we be doing during this carbon-footprint festival of bonding?

Here’s a preview of some of our events:

  1. Rushhour Happy Hour: We will all sit in traffic at 5:12 p.m. on a Friday at Perimeter.
  2. Snowmagedden Reunion Tour: Remember the thrill of abandoning your car on the roadside to walk home after 11 hours trying to drive 2 miles? Or be stuck overnight, hoping that Chipper Jones would save you??? Let’s do it again! Expect to have the wonderful weather of June to dictate attire. 
  3. Dukes of Hazard Lights: We’ll meet at Woodruff Park and drive up Peachtree, stopping every 200ft in the right lane with our hazard lights on. It’s cool: we have our hazards on, we’ll be like, four minutes.
  4. Eighty-Six I-85: All sorts of things snarl Atlanta traffic – cameras, protests, boats, zebras! Thus, we’re going to see what it will take to stop traffic on the Connector. A chorus of singers from Shakespeare’s Tavern? A gaggle a geese? Baton Bob with his whistle? We’ll soon find out. 
  5. Guess That Exit: We’ll take you to various historical parts of the city just off the Interstate. You’ll have to guess what exit we got off on.
  6. Autobahn de Leon: Drive your fastest from the Varsity (the world’s LARGEST drive-in) down Ponce de Leon to downtown Decatur, with bonus points for making the Moreland/Ponce intersection without hitting the red light.
And these are just a few events! It’ll be a week of “in your car action” here in Atlanta, culminating in the Grady Curve Formal, the ball where we put on our ritziest duds, grab that special someone and slow eeeeeverything down.

Now you’re probably asking, “How can I make this a reality? What A.M. station can I tune into to learn more? Is this red light long enough for me to Google it?”

Well, we’re glad you asked. The BEST way to left-hand turn successfully and help this Festival is to buy the first ever "I Traffic ATL" shirt!

Atlanta Traffic Festival Tshirt

Buy me and make the ATF a reality!
Darn if that isn't a good looking shirt! Proceeds from the shirt will go to make the 2015 ATF a reality!
We can't wait for June! Get your car tuned and ready to go - we'll bring the traffic, the tunes and the t-shirt!

*Special thanks to Kyle Torok of his contribution to this post.