We at the ACF take inspirational quotes seriously. We’re constantly analyzing ourselves to make sure our lives/persecutions/attitudes align with Daily Inspirational Quotes.
During our last Chakra meeting, the topic of gas and cars came up. Always living the self-examined life and relating that to financial gain, we quickly did the math: gas is cheap. Really inexpensive these days. We’re talking cheaper than a month’s supply of “Drill, Baby, Drill!” bumper stickers.
Thus, being the completely rational and sentient beings that we are, we came to a team decision: with gas prices so low, it only made financial, cultural and spiritual sense to dump our bikes, hop to the pump and jump in our cars.
Despite articles here, here, here, here, here, here and here about how Atlanta has the worst traffic and the increasing number of people clamoring for a remedy, we’ve realized that four wheels is, indeed, better than two. Remember the charity we showed one another upon the I-20 tundra during Snowpocalypse(s) 2014? Recall streets made supremely FUBAR by Freaknik!
We’ve been on our bikes for so long, we forgot how truly enjoyable AND fulfilling it is to be ‘traffic” - stuck in it, held up by it and, frankly, be it.
We LOVE being in traffic: It allows us to text (maybe sext?), watch YouTube videos, do our makeup, shave, and generally rage against the Machine, as well as all our fellows’ machines, which they clearly are unable to drive so well as we.
Thus, we’re rebranding the Atlanta Cycling Festival to the Atlanta Traffic Festival.
What will we be doing during this carbon-footprint festival of bonding?
Here’s a preview of some of our events:
- Rushhour Happy Hour: We will all sit in traffic at 5:12 p.m. on a Friday at Perimeter.
- Snowmagedden Reunion Tour: Remember the thrill of abandoning your car on the roadside to walk home after 11 hours trying to drive 2 miles? Or be stuck overnight, hoping that Chipper Jones would save you??? Let’s do it again! Expect to have the wonderful weather of June to dictate attire.
- Dukes of Hazard Lights: We’ll meet at Woodruff Park and drive up Peachtree, stopping every 200ft in the right lane with our hazard lights on. It’s cool: we have our hazards on, we’ll be like, four minutes.
- Eighty-Six I-85: All sorts of things snarl Atlanta traffic – cameras, protests, boats, zebras! Thus, we’re going to see what it will take to stop traffic on the Connector. A chorus of singers from Shakespeare’s Tavern? A gaggle a geese? Baton Bob with his whistle? We’ll soon find out.
- Guess That Exit: We’ll take you to various historical parts of the city just off the Interstate. You’ll have to guess what exit we got off on.
- Autobahn de Leon: Drive your fastest from the Varsity (the world’s LARGEST drive-in) down Ponce de Leon to downtown Decatur, with bonus points for making the Moreland/Ponce intersection without hitting the red light.
Now you’re probably asking, “How can I make this a reality? What A.M. station can I tune into to learn more? Is this red light long enough for me to Google it?”
Well, we’re glad you asked. The BEST way to left-hand turn successfully and help this Festival is to buy the first ever "I Traffic ATL" shirt!
*Special thanks to Kyle Torok of his contribution to this post.